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The Senior Bishop and a Chauffeur
A Senior Bishop often undertook Lectures at major venues, and usually booked the same Chauffeur and his car, They became quite friendly, and discussed many things on the various journeys. On one occasion the Chauffeur said to the Bishop,” I cannot understand why I earn so much less than you. It seems easy to just to talk in front of people “
The Bishop replied “ I started from a poor background. I had to get a Scholarship to go to my college. Then I had to earn money to pay my way through University for three years. Then, again for another three years through Theological College, to be ordained..
I was then appointed as a Curate to an inner city Parish. I was there for two years.. I was then given my own Parish, where I ministered for another three years.
I then became a Canon, Eventually after another 5 years I was made a Bishop. “ So I think that is why I am paid to do this work “ So that is why I earned my Salary.
The Chauffeur said “I think that I could do your lecture given the right notes. “
The Bishop replied “ If you think that lecturing is so easy. We could change places today. If you pull into a quiet place we can exchange our clothes as we are similar in build “
So that is what happened. They stopped and changed clothes. They continued their journey to Cambridge where the Bishop was scheduled to lecture on the differences in Theology between the Gospels of John and Matthew.
The Bishop handed over his notes and answers to possible questions to the Chauffeur, who read them through before taking his stand at the podium. The Bishop in the Chauffeur’s uniform, stood at the back of the Auditorium.
The lecture went well, until a member of the University audience asked the lecturer ( Chauffeur ) “ Why do you think that the Gospels of John and Matthew are so different ? “
The Chauffeur replied “ That is such a simple question that I will ask my Driver at the back of this hall to answer it for you “
Forest Gump goes to Heaven
At the closed pearly gates, Forest Gump is met by St.Peter, himself, who said “ Well Forest, it is certainly good to see you. Heaven is filling up , and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short but you have to pass it before you can get into heaven.”
“ It is good to be here, St.Peter “ replied Forest. “ But nobody told me about an entrance exam. I hope that it will not be too hard. Life was a big enough test for me “
St.Peter continued “ No. I know Forest, But the test is only three questions. First , what two days of the week begin with the letter T . Second, how many seconds are there in a year. Third What is God’s first name ? “
Forest leaves to think the questions over. Returning the next day, St.Peter waves him up and says “ Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers “
Forest replied “ Well, the first – which two days in the week begin with the letter T. Shucks that s easy Today and Tomorrow”
St.Peter’s eyes opened wide as he exclaimed “ That was not what I am thinking , but you have a point , and I did not specify , so I will give you credit for the first answer. How about the second question ? “
“ How many seconds in a year. That’s harder “ replied Forest.
“ but I thunk and thunk about it, and I guess the only answer is twelve “
Astounded St.Peter said “ Twelve Forest. how in heaven’s name did you come you with twelve seconds in a year ?”
Forest replied “ Shucks. There’s got to be twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”
St.Peter said “Forest hold it, I see where you are going with this, and I see your point . though that was not quite what I had in mind But I will have to give you credit for that one too. Now let us go on to the final question. ” Now Can you tell me God’s first name ?”
“ Sure. Replied Forest “ It’s Andy “
“ Andy” exclaimed an exasperated St.Peter. “ Oh I understand how you came up with the answers to my first two questions. But how in the world did you come up with the name Andy, as God’s first name ? “
“ Shucks. that was the easiest one of all “ Forest replied “ I learned it from the song
“ Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me
Andy tells me I am his own”
So St Peter opened the pearly gates and said
Come on in Forest “
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This sorting is done by the.....
sent by Clive Norling
John, an atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals', he thought, when suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look .... and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
John cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...the bear froze ......the forest was silent ....
A bright light shone upon the man, and a deep majestic voice came out of the sky ....
"John, I thought you didn't believe in me."
John looked directly into the light ..... "I don't, and it would be hypocritical of me to start now ... but perhaps .... you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ...
"Very well," said God ...
The light went out...the sounds of the forest resumed ....and the bear brought both paws together ... bowed his head and said ...
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to eat. Amen."
sent by Clive Norling
A Vicar was talking to people after a service, when he said,
" I spend a lot of time these days thinking about The Hereafter." I go into a room, or upstairs, and wonder what am I after here? " sent by Neil Norman
A little girl was sitting on her Grandmother's knee, as she read her a bedtime story. From time to time the little girl took her eyes of the book and reached up to stroke her Grandmother's wrinkled cheeks . Then stroked her own cheek. Finally she said. " Grandma, Did God make you " . Yes Grandma replied. " God made me" Then the little girl asked " Did God make me ? " Yes" her Grandmother replied " God did make you " There was a pause before the little girl said " Getting better isn't he ? sent by Neil Norman
The woodpecker has to go!
One morning after church, the Pastor found John in the porch staring at a large plaque on the wall. It was inscribed with several names and hung below a flag. John asked, "Pastor, what is this plaque for? I recognize some of the names, but I don't know why they're on the plaque." The Pastor replied, "Well, John, those are the names of all the fine young people from the church who died in the service." John, shocked, said, "The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
sent by Tucker Nelson
If the Three Wise Men had been Three Wise Women...
they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, assisted with the birth, cleaned the stable, brought a baby-grow and cooked a caserole....
A true story...
When one of the young choristers at All Saints was being examined for her RSCM ' Voice for Life' award recently she was questioned on her knowledge of the Christmas story. The examiner asked her, 'How did King Herod react when the wise men told him that they were looking for a new-born king?' She answered, 'He was very stressed.'
What did they just sing??
Come for tea my people
Comfort ye my people (Messiah)
For unto us a Chinese boy
For unto us a child is born (Messiah)
The Pope was visiting New York. His chauffeur wanting to impress him, said, " Hey Mr.Pope, anything that you want to do I will make it happen for you. Just name it."
" Well, " said The Pope thoughtfully, " now you mention it, I've often wanted to drive a car again. Back in the Vatican, they keep me pretty well holed up, and when I want to go out they drive me round in the in the Papal buggy, Just once more I would like to drive myself for a change ".
" Hey," said the Chauffeur, " No problem."
So they got out and changed places.
The Pope had not driven far when he accidentally went through a red light. Immediately, one of those tough New York City cops drove up behind them ,turned on his lights and pulled the car over. He strutted over to the limo, But before he reached it, he noticed that the Pope was driving, and went straight back to his car and called his chief on his radio.
" Chief," he said, I just pulled over someone I should not have done "
" What?" said his chief "You didn't pull over another cop did you ?"
" No chief" " he's bigger than that "said the cop.
" You didn't pull over the Mayor, did you ?"
" No chief, " said the cop, "he's bigger than that."
" Did you pull over the President of The United States?"
" No,chief he's bigger than that," said the cop.
" Well who did you pullover ?"
" I don't know," said the cop, " but whoever he is, he's got the Pope as his Chauffeur " sent in by Neil Norman
Q What book of the Bible first mentions Tennis ?
A. Genesis. which says that Joseph served in Pharaoh's Court
Q Who was the wisest financial investor ion the Bible. ?
A Noah. who floated his stock while everyone else liquidated their assets.
Q What is the Lumberjack's favourite book of the Bible ?
A The Axe of the Apostles. Sent by Neil Norman
A young Vicar in his new parish, had to attend a cremation. He knew it was along way away and had never been before. So he programmed the location in to his Smart phone Sat Nav. Put the phone in his pocket and set off for the crematorium giving himself plenty of time. But the traffic was horrendous and he got to the crematorium in time to see the coffin already on the dais. He stood by the coffin. At that moment a voice came from his pocket " You have reached your destination"
sent to us by Neil Norman
'Next week we welcome our new organist Mr. Potter and the sermon will be on the theme. 'What is Hell?'
The local Income Tax Inspector phoned the Vicar. 'Would you confirm please Vicar that one of your parishioners,Ted Jones, has made a charitable donation of £10,00 to your church ?'
The Vicar thought for a moment, and quickly replied, 'I can assure that he will have done by 5pm!!'
The staff at the Church Charity Shop have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen after the service in the back room.
You will find next week's preacher pinned to the inside of the front door. Sent to us by Mike Hill
More Church Notice Boards to raise a smile or two!
Painting the Church
A Scottish painter Smokey Mac Gregor was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,
"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,
(You’re going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
(Sent in by Neil Norman)
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
- Nearly New Sale on Saturday, a chance to recycle those things you longer need. Ladies, bring your husbands
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet on Tuesday at 7pm. Please use the back door of the hall.
- For those who have children and don't know it, there is a creche during the service.
- Eight new choir robes are urgently needed for new members due to the deterioration of the older ones.
- Weight Watchers meets at 7pm on Thursdays. Please use the large double doors at the side of the hall. sent by Neil Norman
If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?
An atheist went on holiday to Loch Ness in Scotland. While out in a boat fishing, the Loch Ness Monster reared up and hissed at him. The atheist cried out, "O my Lord, HELP!!"
A voice from Heaven came down and said, "I thought you did not believe in Me!"
Replied the atheist, "A minute ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
"Dear Lord, I pray that you will put one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth, Amen"
The parish priest called to visit an elderly couple. The old gent said, 'When I die I'm going to leave everything to my dear wife'.
'He already does that Vicar,' replied the wife.
A visiting preacher gave a temporance themed sermon concluding with :
" ...and if I had all the beer in the world I'd pour it into the river, ...and if I had all the wine in the world I'd pour it into the river,.... and if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd pour it into the river."
The Vicar then announced the next hymn, "Shall we gather at the river?"
sent by Clive Norling
The town pastor had died after a long, faithful and good life. He waited patiently for St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Just ahead of him was Jim.
Jim was being cross-questioned by St. Peter who asked him who he was and what he did for a living on Earth. “I’m Jim and I drove a taxi in New York.”
“Ah, yes,” said St Peter checking his clip board, “you are most welcome Jim, take this golden silk robe and enter.”
St. Peter turned now to the pastor and asked him his occupation.
“I was the faithful pastor of St Mary’s Church for 43 years,” came the reply.
“Then take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven,” said St. Peter.
“How come,” asked the pastor politely, “Jim gets a golden silk robe and all I get is a cotton one?”
St. Peter consulted his list and replied, “Easy, we go by results. Jim got more people to pray in his taxi when he was driving around New York than you did in your church!”
The village Rector was passing a very well kept garden and stopped to admire the beautiful flowers....
"The Lord and you have done remarkable things to this garden," said the Rector to the owner.
"Well, thank you Rector", replied the owner, "but you should have seen it when it was only the Lord in charge!"
The Vicar at Harvest Festival had aranged all the vegetables in front of the Altar. He asked the children if they could name them. The replies were potatoes, cabbage, carrots, broccoli, and swede. So he asked if they could use one word to cover them all. A little boy held his hand up and replied " Gravy"
A vicar used to preaching in small churches, was asked topreach in a very large church. He asked the resident Vicar if they used a microphone. The Vicar said " No. you just shout loudly. The agnostics here are terrible "
One of the young choristers missed the Palm Sunday service as she had a sore throat. When her big sister arrived home with some Palm Crosses and explained they were waved to welcome Jesus, the younger sister said, “Aw, that’s not fair, the one day I miss and Jesus shows up!”
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
With thanks to Gerry Lindenburn who sent in these statements about the Bible from school exams - spellings have not been corrected!
- In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off
- The egyptians were drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery
- Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
- When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibles
- One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was a taximan
- Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said,
"I'm the new vicar in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Sent in by David Nicholls
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