Church Chuckles...
The teenage son of a Minister had passed his driving licence and was asking to use the
family car.
His Minster father said yes, but there are four conditions:
1. You have to tidy your room.
2. You have to study your Bible more.
3. You must get your school grades up to a C level
4. You have to get your hair cut.
A few months later the son went to his father and said. Look Dad I have done as you asked. Yes said his Dad. Your room is tidy, I have seen you studying your Bible, your room is tidy and as you have achieved the C grades. But you have not had your hair cut. No said the Son. I noticed in the Bible that John the Baptist had long hair, most of Jesus' disciples had long hair and even Jesus had long hair. Yes, said his Dad, and they walked everywhere!!
sent in by Neil Norman
Out of the mouths.....
Question in choir practice from one of the young choristers: "What's choral evil song?"
Harold
It was a family service and the curate was giving the talk. He began by asking the youngsters to name all the people they knew from the Bible. Eagerly the children held up their hands and mentioned Jesus, Mary, Joseph, King David, St.Paul and so on. Then one small girl called out 'Harold'. Harold? asked the curate rather puzzled. ' Yes' said Jenny, and to prove her point said,
'Our father in heaven, Harold be your name'
Sunday School at Christmas (1)
"Who knows the name of the baby, born to Mary, on Christmas Day?" asked the Vicar.
All the hands went up and one small boy caught the Vicar's eye.
"Ah, Johnny, you can tell me."
"Wayne" said Johnny confidently.
"Wayne?" repeated a bemused Vicar
"I think you mean, 'Jesus'."
"Wayne!" insisted little Johnny and to prove it, he sang; " A Wayne in a manger."
Sunday School at Christmas (2)
The Vicar was looking at all the Nativity drawings by the children. One drawing, however surprised him.
"Tell me Hannah, why have you drawn an egg shell in the manger with the baby Jesus?"
Hannah looked surprised that the Vicar was so ignorant.
"You told us last week that Mary laid the baby in a manger"
Inland Revenue
The telephone rang in the Church Office.
'Hello, is that the Vicar? This is the Inland Revenue.'
'Oh yes,' repliedthe Vicar
'Do you have a Ted Williams in your congregation?'
'I do indeed', replied the Vicar.
'Can you confirm that he has donated £10,000 to your Church?'
'He will!' said the Vicar!
Faulty microphone?
Once upon a time, a bishop was presiding over the liturgy in a large cathedral. He sensed that the microphone wasn't working properly, and he was impatient to begin the traditional
"The Lord be with you,"
after which the congregation would routinely answer,
"And also with you."
He tapped the mike several times, but heard nothing. Then, as he thought he was speaking into a dead mike, he announced,
"There's something wrong with this blasted microphone."
And the people responded,
"And also with you."
The Vicar's Calling Card ...
"The Rev'd Jones called to see you and found you out"
"Well, " said the parishioner to the curate after a very long sermon, - "it reminded me of the Peace of God."
"Wonderful," replied the curate.
"Yes, " said the parishioner, "it passed all understanding."
An unpopular minister announced that after much prayer and thought he had accepted Jesus' call to work in another parish. The congregation sang the next hymn with particular gusto, "What a friend we have in Jesus".
Two brothers brought up in Cardiganshire became ordained. One moved to England and became a Vicar in Mayfair. The other stayed in Cardiganshire. They decided to exchange parishes for a weekend.
The Mayfair Vicar asked, " Is there anything special about the services in your parish that I should know about?"
The Cardigan Vicar replied " No" , he then asked, “Is there anything I should know about your London services?”
“Just one thing,” the Mayfair Vicar replied, “It’s traditional to announce the sermon text in Greek, Latin and in Hebrew.”
“I can’t possibly do that.”
“No matter, just say something in Welsh, no one will know!”
The day arrived and the Cardigan Vicar began his sermon in Mayfair. He spoke a Welsh sentence pretending it to be Greek, then another Welsh sentence, pretending it to be Latin. At this point he noticed someone by the door laughing. So he said " And this is my text in Hebrew" which when translated from the Welsh was
" Will the man by the door who is laughing, keep his big mouth shut. !!!”
sent in by Neil Norman
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